A Year Of Learning

Before I begin my blog post today, I would just like to say that I am SO SO SO proud of Chris for passing his boards!!!!!!!!!!! :) We were supposed to have champagne last night to celebrate but between catching up from the past 6 days apart and going out for apps at 9:00, it sort of got away from us. We will tonight though, for sure! This is a very big deal!!!
On the agenda for the weekend (per his idea, God love him) is the following:
1) Cutting down (yes, CUTTING DOWN) or own Christmas tree
2) Going to the Christmas Tree Shop for some more decorations and finishing the house so it looks beautiful for the holidays
3) Seeing a movie we've both been dying to see
Yes folks, a real date weekend if you ask me. The kind that really makes you excited for Friday night.

Our house is looking cute right now, I will add. I tried to do some crafty, low budget decorating and so far we have:
1) Twinkle lights and little red candles in votives along the mantle above the fireplace
2) Some fir tree boughs with cranberries along the counter, nestled in with green and red candles
3) Glittery foam wreath and snowmen cutouts on the windows
4) A gingerbread "chalet"
5) A countdown calendar in the living room
6) Cranberry branches in vases and on the coffee table
7) Red and green garland wrapped around the banister
8) Throw pillows tied with ribbon to look like presents
I am feeling pleased so far :)

Now moving along to blog part 2, a bit more serious, a bit more profound.

"I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou, you are a wise, beautiful woman. And I love this quote mostly because it is extraordinarily idealistic and I am an idealist. I also love this quote because I find it challenging. Because in the "How do you deal with lost luggage or tangled Christmas lights" piece alone, I cringe envisioning my reaction. Frustration, stress, probably some loud lion roaring if no one else was around.

I really like the part on caring more about making a life than a living... and I have found that for someone who has stood on her soapbox for years talking about how money doesn't matter and how all you need is love, compassion, and a good work ethic, I have done a poor job of practicing what I preach this year. I have become consumed by a competitive little rat race and that needs to change.

I have discovered this year that I am extremely impressed by everything. When I hear an awesome musician, I am inspired immediately to go home and pick up my guitar, frustrated that I can't play perfectly yet. When I hang out with Mer, I long for a flat tummy, table top leaps and the sound of syncopated tap rythyms. When I listen to Chris, I want to save lives. When I talk to Kristi, I want to teach 2nd graders how to read. When I talk to Melissa, I miss Make-A-Wish and want to plan events and travel coordinate again. I think being inspired is a wonderful thing, but at what point does inspiration become detrimental to becoming the person YOU are meant to be? And how do we separate an appreciation from a determination?

Yesterday I found out I did not get into UMaine nursing. They have a wait list about 8 miles long. They didn't say, "REJECTED," they said, "NO SPACE." But I felt totally rejected. After all, I grew up in Maine, when to college in Maine... for a state yearning for retention of its young, it does a poor job of finding us space in its professional programs. I am allowed to say this, I think, given that UMaine rejected me from their law program and forced me to Texas (which didn't work out, obviously). And sadly, in a state like Maine, with an economy like this, it's not easy to make a living or a life if you do not have a stable career path ahead of you.

I found out about this over the phone while nannying because they sent the letter to my house in Maine, not to my new house in Indiana. Prior to this I was smiling, laughing, and singing the 12 Days of Christmas with my little charges, loving the fact that my boyfriend was coming back from Anaheim that night. Well, kids aren't stupid and when my face fell and my clapping stopped, they both immediately followed me throughout the house while I paced, trying not to get upset. My cute one-year old hugged my leg while I stared at the ceiling and then offered me his toy hamster. I looked down at him and managed a smile somehow, probably because he's so damn cute. Then the four-year old (far too smart for her age) asked, "Mariah, why aren't you having fun with us anymore? " And I replied, "Hunny, Mariah's a little sad right now, but she'll be OK in a couple minutes." "Well, why are you sad, Mariah?" "Well, I didn't get into nursing school." "Ohh.... hmmmm.... Mariah?" "Yes, sweetie." "You look really beautiful when you're sad." Wow.... yup, didn't know what to say to that. But I did scoop her up and give her a big hug. And, because I do not want to jade a little girl who is a lot like me and has perfectionist tendencies already, I said, "But you know what? Being sad doesn't make anything better does it? And it's important to always look on the bright side and try again, right?" "Right!!!" And we played a bit more, some tic-tac-toe, some coloring. And then (talk about making me want to cry for all the right reasons), she said, "I'm going to call my mom and she will help you find a school." Mind you, she meant on her fake cell phone. And this is how the one-sided convo went:
"Mom, Mariah needs your help. She needs to go to school. It's not fair, she brings her books everyday and reads them and everything! And she needs to be nurse. Ok, bye. Mom says she will call her friend and get you a school."

When people tell me they can't stand kids, I can't understand it. Because I'll tell you what, they may be young, they me cry and need attention, but my God, do they know how to love unconditionally. They are the best, most caring little citizens that our world has to offer.

Granted, I then had a conversation with my mom on the phone who reminded me that sometimes when we take on too much all at once, we wind up in a pressure cooker like the one I have been in this year. Because to be honest, did I expect that moving to a new place, into a house with a boyfriend who I had only known long distance, while taking difficult classes, getting a new job(s), taking a big pay cut, and applying to school down a totally different career path than I was on was going to be easy? My goodness, if I thought it was going to be anything less than daunting, overwhelming, and terrifying, was I being naive! So I need to stop trying to outdo myself and racing onto the next big task or I will end up a grumpy, 90 year old woman who finally figures out the meaning of life as she takes her last breath (I am paraphrasing from mom a bit right now).

Where are we in a race to, exactly? Why are we constantly running? Why has it become more important to get degree after degree, promotion after promotion, accolades and gold stars than to laugh with friends, hug our family members, cheer on our siblings in a hockey game, or just read a good book with a glass of wine that will make us feel awesome about the world we live in and smile for a second? We are a generation that seeks instant gratification, approval and chemical healing at every corner. It is no wonder that about 75% of the people I know are on, were on, or will be on anxiety medication and anti-depressants by the time we/they're 30.

So I want to do two things right now:
1) Remind myself that a nursing school wait list, while frustrating, means two things- a) that a lot of people are trying to fight their way into a profession with a critical shortage and not a lot of faculty left to educate which gives me hope that people do care and want to make a difference like I do and b) that just because I didn't get into UMaine does not mean I will not get into school. And in fact, even though I did not get into a school in Maine does not mean I am doomed to be away from New England for the rest of my life. Nothing in this world is permanent, for better or worse.

2) Apologize on behalf of the not-so-very-great version of me that has existed in Indiana for 4 months. If I were Chris, I would've walked out the door in September. So I am a lucky girl for sure, because if nothing else, I gotta whole lotta love coming at me from this boy.

I vow the following right now (knowing that I will fall short of these things often but will keep picking up the pieces and trying again):
1) To stop comparing myself to everyone around me
2) To stop assuming
3) To stop letting my "pains" turn me into "a pain."
4) To stop and smell the roses and write in my gratitude journal everyday
5) To love more and argue less
6) To get outside and move and be happy that I have good health, great friends, a great family, an awesome boyfriend, and a warm place to lay my head at night.
7) To stop complaining about my waistline because a few extra holiday pounds means I am not starving and homeless
8) To go to church more and thank God for what I do have instead of constantly praying for more
9) To keep trying
10) To work my tail off and get into nursing school- BECAUSE I WILL, DAMNIT! This means stopping immediately after this post and studying hard for my stats final tomorrow.

"I've learned that people will forgot what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Dear 2011, there's your mantra.

XOXO