Honest Writer Moments

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a good writer... and I think it means brutal honesty, which can be scary sometimes. Not that I'm hoping to land a career as a writer (even though it sounds like fun), but because I know that when people write and I connect, it's because they've given me something to laugh about, cry about, or think about.
In that light, I have figured something out about myself and how I can begin to predict the roller coaster moments down this new path. It's about homesickness, how it hits, and how to change your attitude.
I have had a great week so far and I think it had a lot to do with spending time with people I know very well and love lots, coupled with a busy schedule, time out for myself to just enjoy a moment, and a new healthy eating plan (more on this later). But last night, at a charity event we went too, it hit me hard again. You know what it is? Jealousy of familiarity. I am hopelessly jealous of those who go to an event and get to see people from college, chat about work, and look comfortable in their own skin. I feel like right now, people I meet aren't getting the real me. The real me who would've been loud and telling the story instead of always listening or the one who would've been dancing on the dance floor and not standing awkwardly in the corner. And when someone asks what I do for work and I downplay my day, "Oh I'm just a nanny..." or when they ask where I'm taking classes, "Ohh, just over at _________" I end up feeling worse. No, NO just. I am a nanny, I take care of two awesome kids and run myself ragged everyday keeping them happy, healthy, and safe. It's not easy and I will tell you this: I give SO much credit to stay at home moms because I'm 100% positive I couldn't do it. I love and adore kids but that is NO easy job. At an actual "workplace", you have other adults to talk to and moments of downtime. With little kids you are ON. And I don't JUST take classes.. I am taking two difficult classes and working hard to learn the material well so that I can be not a good but a GREAT nurse/NP someday. So from this moment on, I am taking JUST out of my vocabulary. Done and done.
Furthermore, I need to stop feeling like everytime I get into a situation where everyone shares a common background (be it school, hometown, or job) that I will be an outsider forever. Because someday, I will have co-workers to hang out with. And hopefully someday I will be in a place where occasionally I get to see MY college friends and visit my campus and reminisce. I need to stop feeling like I no longer have a choice in where the future leads not only me, but us. Because sometimes I feel like, well you moved here, so that's that. You made the first concession, you will make the last. False, false, false. I have never been told that and therefore I must discontinue the assumption that I will forever feel out of place or new in town. This is my life too. And I have control over where it takes me now and always. I just need to make sure to speak up and say how I feel, which is not always easy, but getting much better as of late.
For those of you who have never moved into someone else's space, I will tell you what the struggle is/will be: if you go somewhere alone, you have the freedom of creating your own routine. You throw yourself into activities you love, meet people, say YES to anything and everything that comes your way. It's a self-created, independent adventure, which is horribly exhilerating. If you move somewhere new WITH someone else, you both learn your routines and make friends simultaneously. When you move into someone else's space who already has an established routine, you immediately feel the need to conform to how they do things. At least I do. You go with the flow and feel a little less than comfortable saying, "Actually, I'd rather __________." And it makes sense because you sort of feel like the perpetual guest. The challenge is in learning to accept (as my friend Holly always says), that you have been invited to SHARE a space EQUALLY by someone who loves you very much. And it's ok to do things your way sometimes or suggest that things are done differently. Because now it's your space too.
And I'm saying all of these things knowing well that most of you are reading this thinking, Ohh goodness, ridiculous, BUT the thing is, when I put these thoughts on paper I am able to be both subjective and objective. Yes, this is how I personally feel but NO, I don't need to feel this way. It's like I am therapist and client to myself when I write. So I recognize the fact that it's crazy for me to feel that at age 25 I have just conceded my entire life to someone else's wants. And it's crazy to feel like I'm not doing enough. And it's crazy to think that I can't be honest and say I am tired at 10:00, because I am. So let's all acknowledge together that I know what I need to work on and shift the attitude. This is an equal partnership, nothing more, nothing less.
Anyway, it felt good to clear my head and get those thoughts out. Just went for a nice long walk with Mer and that was a great way to clear out the cobwebs even more. We had coffee and chatted and got in some awesome exercise before I had to hit the books and go to work. Plus, the amount of exercise I've gotten in this week along with a new healthy eating plan are working wonders for my state of mind. I needed to take control because I felt like I was starting to become an emotional eater again (think college... ugh, no, don't think college). And now that I'm seeing the numbers on the scale go back down where they belong, I am feeling like one piece of the puzzle is sliding into place.
On a more exciting note, there is a fun weekend ahead! Once I finish plowing through this school work, here's what lies on docket:
1) I'm taking myself out tonight (it was supposed to be date night but Chris found out yesterday that he has to work til ten... BUMMER! I had such a fun date planned... but alas, that's life). So after work I am going to finish any school work that is still outstanding and then head to a nice, chill venue downtown for a glass of wine and some reading (nerd I know). After that, I plan on buying myself a new pair of running shoes (might be a good idea to start training for that 10K happening in October, WOOPS!) and then I might go see a movie. One of my favorite indulgences in life is going to the movies alone. Is that weird? Maybe.

2) Tomorrow is supposed to feel more like fall and be absolutely beautiful. So I am going to get up, run, and hit the Apple Store at Connor Prairie. I want fresh apples and maybe a homemade treat :) Then back home to back apple pies (mostly because I want the house to smell good like my little house in Maine smells this time of year). And Saturday night is Mer and Sam's housewarming party! Beer pong and cornhole ahead... hopefully the beer pong BEFORE the cornhole so that I have a shot at playing well (don't ask. Just a strategy of mine).

3) Sunday? Who knows... but hopefully something outside. Maybe a bike ride... maybe some more self-teaching on the guitar...

Ahhh just seeing all these plans typed out makes me smile :)
Ok kids, time to crack down... have a fabulous Friday!
XO