Some words of wisdom I would like to pass along as I near the end of a year of big changes and move onto new things…. You know, things I wish others had known or that I myself had known in dealing with new people, roller coaster feelings, and everything in between:
1) Ragging on a new place is a sign of homesickness. Be sensitive. Unless you are someone who enjoys moving around a lot or doesn’t have close ties to family and friends, moving far from everything you have known and loved your whole life feels like utter heartbreak, especially the first time out. Instead of criticizing, encourage said ragger/homesick individual to join your group, ask them about their life and where they come from, and be nice. Thanks to those people here who did that right from the start!! :) And I myself am going to make a much greater effort to help people new to wherever I am in the future.
2) Home is home. Sorry. You can grow up in Indiana, Maine, or Timbuktu. And you may never understand how someone new cannot possibly understand your love for your state. I have had this conversation with another blogger who is living my parallel life (except she moved from Indiana to New England) and she has encountered many of the same feelings of “unfriendliness” or “out-of-placeness” as I have. Both of us laughed when we realized there is a lot more underlying insecurity and nervousness than actual disregard for your new “home.” So again, take things with a grain of salt if a new person isn’t as pumped about your local sports team or favorite restaurant as you. They are most likely jealous that you have such an affinity for a place that you are furiously attempting to adapt to.
3) Once you are in a committed relationship, everything changes… offering words of wisdom according to what is best for each individual person is not productive and makes the other person feel slighted. Neither party is less important, no matter their job, dream, or talent. If a friend or relative comes to you for advice, do not tell them to “do what’s best for him or her” because it’s not longer just about him or her. This is the point of a relationship and if both people can’t be happy, they will one day wind up apart or divorced. As a very wise woman once told me, “Both people need a chance to grow and prosper, not just one.” It’s also not the 50s anymore... women and men both work hard and have many more opportunities than they used to. There is no need for one person to stand quietly in the shadows of another. Again, be sensitive and insightful and when possible? Imagine the other party in the relationship is your son, daughter, sister, brother or friend too. It might make you think differently about what words come out of your mouth. Respect the love between two people and remember that you are not with them day in and day out and cannot judge or make “best” decisions for them. Only they can. And honestly, even in a couple where both people love each other tremendously, there are also bound to be some big differences between them. Neither person is "right" or "wrong" or "smarter" or "more logical." We have all been raised differently and harbor different core values and that's OK. Plus, no offense to our overly hyped, driven society where we are all convinced that money buys happiness- but that’s a load of crap. Hugs and support from your family, laughter, spontaneity, and unconditional love keep us going no matter what anyone else thinks. You cannot live the depth of your life without the depth of love (romantic, familial, friendship-based, or otherwise).
4) Be patient. This goes for both the new guy/girl and the ones welcoming them into your world. Things will get better. But before they do, they might get ugly. The unknown and new is scary for all of us and there is no way around it, only directly through it. So barrel headfirst into the tangles and know you will find your way back out somehow.
5) Speak up. Don’t be scared to use outlets. Some of us blog, some of us use Facebook or MySpace, some of us call or text our confidantes. But don’t hold it in. Yes, you might offend fewer people or keep the waters calm if you do, but your stomach will be in knots and tears will be frequent. Let it out. “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
6) Think about yourself. Yes, this sounds selfish. But when you are uncomfortable or dreading something constantly… or when you just don’t feel like doing something because your heart isn’t in it… allow yourself a free pass now and again to say, “You know what? I’m going to get a good book and curl up on the couch with some wine.” Take time for yourself and the things that remind you of home or make you feel like YOU. Compromise doesn’t mean giving up everything or converting to someone else’s way of life. As a chronic people pleaser, it has taken me a long time to strike that balance and find ways to remain independent and happy while with someone but it has made a world of difference.
7) Remember that NOTHING is permanent or forever. Give things a try, allow yourself the chance to fall and the chance to get back, and do not harbor regret for all the adventures you end up on. It can be easy to resent the world when you make decisions that turn into struggles or when you try something and it fails completely. However, pat yourself on the back for being brave and remember that at the end of the day, if it isn’t worth it, you’ll know it and can also find a new path. Do not be fearful of entrapment. You are the only person who can allow yourself to be trapped.
8) And finally, there are always good people and friends to made, no matter where you go. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you find yourself laughing with friends over beers and thinking, “This isn’t so bad after all.” Don’t torture yourself by being a personal martyr to the cause of self-pity. Allow people in and connect, connect, connect whenever and wherever you can.
I am no expert, and again, this might be far too philosophical, deep or obnoxious for some of you to stomach. But, if at least one person reads this and takes one valuable point away to apply to their own situation, well, it won’t be for not then will it?
No comments:
Post a Comment